You Know You've Reached Middle Age If... - Softcover

Joey Green is a former contributing editor to National Lampoon and has convinced Jay Leno to shave with Jif Peanut Butter and Rosie O'Donnell to mousse her hair with Jell-O. Together, he and Alan Corcoran have written several books including You Know You've Reached Middle Age If . . . and Senior Moments. Both authors live in Los Angeles, CA.

You Know You've Reached Middle Age If... You have trouble falling asleep at night in a dark room and a comfortable bed, but you can easily nod off any afternoon while driving seventy miles an hour on the freeway. You do six months of research in twelve different consumer magazines before spending $29.95 on a new toaster. Your idea of "roughing it" on a camping trip involves a twenty-seven-foot motor home equipped with a queen-size bed, microwave oven, and satellite TV. The fear of "turning into your parents" has been replaced by the fear of "turning into your grandparents." You've stopped collecting CDs that play music and started collecting CDs that pay interest. You'd stop and take time to smell the flowers, except you can no longer bend over that far without throwing out your back. When you see a mother and her teenage daughter, you fantasize about the mother. You remember having to get up and walk across the room to change channels on a television set. Yo!u have nightmares about forgetting to move the garbage cans to the street for the garbage collector. On Saturday night, when your wife mentions "hot oil, a little friction and squealing," you tell her you'll have the car looked at first thing Monday morning. You remember when televisions had only thirteen channels but 1, 3, 6, 8, 10, and 12 didn't work. You own an album by Cheech and Chong and a turntable to play it on. Your main extracurricular activity is driving your kids to their extracurricular activities. You can name all the Beatles but you can't name all the Spice Girls. When you were a kid, a "really cool web site" involved a large spider and some mummified flies. You think if you hear "Stairway to Heaven" one more time your head will explode. You remember when school administrators searched kids' lockers for chewing gum, cigarettes, and copies of Playboy. You remember when meat, potatoes, and gravy was considered a well-balanced meal. When you were a kid, y!ou were allowed to go trick-or-treating without adult supervision. You find the History Channel fascinating. The lead singer at the last concert you attended was Chuck E. Cheese.