The Book of (Holiday) Awesome - Softcover

It’s time for some intergenerational egg nogging.

Get ready to light the Yule log, sail the gravy boat, and get your eighty-five pound grandmother a sloshy glass of rummy nog.

Now, whatever your age, whatever your tastes, whatever your pleasures, whatever your fates, let’s all agree on one thing today: Grabbing an occasional festive drink with your mom’s mom or your son’s son bridges boundaries and crosses divides.

Once upon a time, your Grandma used to boogie. Once upon a time, your Grandma threw it down. Yes, I’m saying before you danced on tables, she danced on them too. And before you learned to twist off, she was guzzling brews.

So when the holidays hit and the families combine, it’s time to bring out the punch bowl and time to have a good time.

Because we’re not here forever and we’re not here very long.

We don’t get many chances, so toss one back before Granny’s gone.

I never knew my grandparents, but I heard stories they were great . . . so I know if they were here we’d party hard before it got too late.

AWESOME!

Successfully regifting a present to someone who wants it

What do cellophane-wrapped mugs of mini candy canes, Season 3 of Mr. Belvedere on VHS, and framed photos of someone else’s dog have in common?

They’re just what we never wanted.

But that’s okay, that’s okay—because someone else might!

Yes, now it’s time for some Regifting Magic, people. It’s time to regift like you’ve never regifted before. You’re a regifting machine if you follow these three steps to freedom:

1. Smile sweetly. Never look a gift horse in the mouth. Instead, look them in the eyes while saying thank you over and over. You may also find it helpful to practice these lines (for these items): “I’ve been meaning to try that place!” (gift card to Taco Bell),

“How did you know I liked this shade of green?!” (puke green sweater), and “It’s perfect, it’s perfect—honestly, how have I even been wearing shoes all these years?!” (shoehorn).

2. Add it to your gifts-to-give pile. When you get home, make sure to write a thank-you card promptly and then toss the gift in the closet with your motorized self-twirling spaghetti fork, Streetlamps of the World page-a-day calendar, and novelty light-up ceramic angel. Let your inventory bulk up a bit so you’ve got good regift variety, and be sure to hide the stash from future regiftees. Post-it Notes with the name of the person who gave it to you can also help prevent the dreaded Boomerang Gift. Don’t let it happen to you.

3. Annnnnnd . . . regift! Remember that one man’s trash is another man’s treasure. When you look at it this way, it feels like you’re doing very important gift-giving charity work. You’re a misfit present coordinator! Now, you need to be about 90 percent sure the regiftee will love the present. After all, there’s nothing wrong with gift cards to Taco Bell and light-up ceramic angels. It’s just that one goes to your backward-cap skateboarding rascal of a little cousin and the other goes to your Grandma who loves tacos.

AWESOME!

Finally finding the start of this stupid roll of tape

You think it’s gonna be easy.

But finally finding and finger-peeling the start of this stupid roll of tape takes two focused hawk eyes, a sharp set of witch’s nails, and a soft and delicate touch.

If you’re missing these you’re outta luck.

But if you’ve got all three you’re

AWESOME!