10 Great Dates Before You Say "I Do" - Softcover

Claudia Arp and David Arp, MSW, founders of Marriage Alive, are authors of numerous books with more than 1,000,000 in print including the award-winning 10 Great Dates series and The Second Half of Marriage. The Arps have been featured in media like The Washington Post, The Wall Street Journal, USA Today, Time Magazine, and on NBC Today, CBS This Morning, and PBS. When they are not writing or speaking, you’ll probably find them hiking trails in Northern Virginia where they live or in the Austrian Alps where they love to write and hike. Visit them at www.10GreatDates.org.

 

Curt and Natelle Brown, MA, MFT, are directors of marriage ministry at Wellshire Presbyterian Church in Denver, Colorado, and advisors to the Colorado Marriage Project. They are experienced mentors to engaged couples, marriage coaches to newlyweds, and developers of the Marriage Alive "Before You Say 'I Do'" seminar.

Curt and Natelle Brown, MA, MFT, are directors of marriage ministry at Wellshire Presbyterian Church in Denver, Colorado, and advisors to the Colorado Marriage Project. They are experienced mentors to engaged couples, marriage coaches to newlyweds, and developers of the Marriage Alive "Before You Say 'I Do'" seminar.

Date One Sharing Hopes, Dreams, and Expectations 'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.' Jeremiah 29:11 Let's listen to Hayley as she describes her recent date with Kevin: Our greatest date didn't start out so great. Kevin had said, 'Let's go over to the lake and watch the sunset.' But how can you watch a sunset when it's overcast and foggy? I thought. Kevin was so determined that I humored him. We got to the lake, and he pulled out a blanket and picnic basket. Was this guy really serious? There was no sun anywhere on the horizon; in fact, it was chilly. I felt weird trying to watch a sunset in the fog. Kevin was acting strange---really nervous. 'I'll be right back,' he said and disappeared. So I sat on this blanket all alone. A few couples walked by hand-in-hand and stared at me. I felt really stupid. This date was going downhill fast. And then I heard a commotion behind me. I turned around just in time to see a knight in a suit of armor riding a horse right toward me. As I looked more closely, I could see it was Kevin! He dismounted, and the next thing I knew he was on his knees asking me to marry him! Without a doubt, this was our greatest date yet! What has been your greatest date? Have you had a unique storybook date like Hayley and Kevin? Or maybe you have had lots of great dates and now are looking forward to having a fairy-tale wedding where you will both ride off into the sunset to be blissfully happy ever after. Sounds like the end of the story, doesn't it? Not so. Your wedding day will only be the beginning of the story of your marriage. A marriage is not a one-day event. Instead, marriage is a lifelong process of growing together and deepening your love for one another. It is facing life's trials together and pulling together in the good times as well as the bad. And, to be frank, marriage is not a fairy tale; it is more like the novel War and Peace. But the marriage relationship can be the most rewarding and fulfilling one you will ever know. And your greatest dates may be up ahead---after you're married! CONSIDERING MATRIMONY? Maybe like Hayley and Kevin, you've made the commitment to become engaged and are looking forward to getting married. Or maybe you are not engaged at this point but are wondering if you'd like to be. In either case, this date is going to help you look at your hopes and dreams for the future and better understand your expectations for marriage. Many couples who marry are incredulous when marriage turns out to be different from what they expected. We don't want to shatter your hopes and dreams, but we do want you to take a good look at your present relationship and your expectations for the future. Too many who are considering marriage answer positively the premarital inventory question, 'I expect my partner to change some of his/her behaviors after we marry.' Also it's important to note that every engaged couple does not end up marrying. One of the major purposes of marriage preparation is to help couples make a good decision about whether or not they are ready to be married to each other at this time. Couples who begin marriage preparation a year to eight months before marriage have a 15 to 17 percent rate of postponing or canceling the wedding if their preparation includes both an inventory and an educational program.1 The value of marriage preparation is having the opportunity to reexamine and reconfirm your decision to marry. In the following dates we want to help you look closer at your own decision to consider marriage or a more serious relationship and to better understand your own 'good match.' We will start that process on Date One by looking realistically at your own expectations. What We Expected We (the Arps) started marriage with stars in our eyes and a belief that we would surely always meet each other's needs. We got married in the middle of our college experience. The year was 1962. Our world was traumatized by the Cuban Missile Crisis. The Russian missiles were headed for Cuba, and the United States had its blockade in position. We were attending different colleges in different towns: Dave was in Atlanta at Georgia Tech; Claudia was in Athens at the University of Georgia. We were convinced if we didn't marry right away, the world would blow up and that we might never get to live together as husband and wife. So we did it. We got married without any premarital counseling, inventories, or any of the other helps available today. We were just going to live on our 'love.' Then when the honeymoon was over and our hormones settled down, we discovered that marriage was not quite what we expected. Little things irritated us. I (Dave) was raised in a military home and assumed Claudia would be as orderly as I was. One of our first arguments was about how to arrange the magazines on the coffee table. I wanted them at right angles. Claudia wanted them to look more informal and 'homey.' I kept putting them at right angles; Claudia kept changing them to 'her way.' And hangers should be one inch apart in the closet---or so I thought. Claudia assumed just hanging up the clothes was a big accomplishment. So we immediately realized we would need to do some compromising. When we (the Browns) were seriously dating and considering marriage, we just wanted to be together, and we never got around to discussing our expectations. We also married while still in college, and our unspoken expectations were based on the only marriages we knew well---those of our parents, which couldn't have been more different. I (Curt) expected Natelle to be a wonderful cook who would never use a mix! My mother served home-cooked meals precisely at 7 A.M., noon, and 6 P.M. She dusted and vacuumed daily. I always had a drawer full of clean socks and underwear, and my shirts and jeans were always freshly laundered and ironed. Naturally, I assumed Natelle would be as passionate about housekeeping as my mother was. (Save the rotten eggs---I changed my view long ago!) I (Natelle) had a totally different perspective. My mother was a high school English teacher and the first female high school principal in the state of Nebraska. She had worked outside the home since I was two years old. My dad enjoyed tinkering with the car, fixing leaky faucets, and hanging Christmas tree lights. He occasionally even helped with the cooking and was great with us kids. I assumed Curt would encourage me professionally and divide household chores equally. And, of course, he would be the handyman around the house just like my father was. After marriage it didn't take long for us to discover that we didn't exactly fit into the roles the other had hoped we would! What are your expectations for your marriage? Listen to what some others contemplating marriage expected: * I expect my partner to always understand and encourage me. * Our marriage will always make us happy. * After marriage, our problems will go away. * We will talk about everything, and therefore we will avoid serious disputes. * With two incomes, we will be financially secure---especially since two can live almost as cheaply as one. * We'll keep doing the same fun activities we presently do together. * Our love life will always be exciting and satisfying. * We will divide and conquer housework fifty-fifty. * I expect my mate to meet my needs---to be a lot like me. Obviously, these people were shocked when their mates were unable to live up to their expectations. It is really important that we talk about our expectations. It is hard enough to meet expectations when we know what they are, but it's impossible when we don't.